For the 2008 Write Now Act Later I submitted a short play, Interrogation, which received a commendation from the adjudicators as being 'deemed worthy of special mention'.
Interrogation is a contemporary satirical piece to be performed as a short sketch. With more time, I may develop it for a longer performance.
To read the transcript click here.
Write Now Act later is an initiative supported by Halton Borough Council to encourage the development of Theatre and Arts in the borough. It provides an outlet for local writers to have one act plays performed at the Brindley Arts Centre.
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The Set.
A sparse cell or interrogation room with a simple table and a couple of chairs.
On the table there’s a spotlight, a knuckleduster, a cosh, some sharp implements.
Other props - A clipboard and pen.
The Cast.
An interrogator. A middle aged man, an ‘old-school’ copper.
The interrogator’s assistant. A younger man.
Big Al, the suspect. A short young man.
An EU Health and Safety Inspector. Perhaps a Margaret Rutherford type.
The Interrogation.
The Interrogator walks into the room. Sits down and fondly handles the torture implements, maybe testing the truncheon by hitting it into his palm, touching the point of the tools.
The Assistant comes in.
The Assistant “They’ve got one for us guv. Name of Big Al.”
The Interrogator “And who is Big Al?”
The Assistant “A terrorist who was trying to blow up the Runcorn-Widnes Bridge and cause traffic chaos.”
The Interrogator “What worse chaos than the lane closures? Where did they find him?”
The Assistant “He was hiding on the back seat of his car in Sommerfields car park.” He laughs at a joke he’s about to share. “The Weekly News have already called him ‘Al Car Hider’.” He laughs again.
The Interrogator doesn’t laugh, just shakes his head.
The Assistant shrugs, “Well, it’s not as bad as their last one.”
The Interrogator “Which last one?”
The Assistant “You know, that suicide bomber with the exploding wrist-watch, his name was Terry.”
With a deadpan face the Interrogator says “Terry Wrist?”
The Assistant “That’s him.” Looking at this boss’ humourless expression he drops his smile and says, “I’ll er, I’ll go and get Big Al.”
The Assistant leaves then returns bringing in Big Al (a short young man).
He is sat down roughly. The Assistant stands behind him. The Interrogator picks up one of the sharp tools, tests the tip then stares in menacing silence at Big Al who is looking scared. The Interrogator is about to start questioning Big Al when there’s a knock on the door and, without waiting to be asked, a woman comes in carrying a clipboard and pen.
The Interrogator “Er, excuse me, don’t you realise this is a terrorist investigation?”
The EU Inspector walks to stand between the Interrogator and Assistant, next to the table, facing the audience. She says “I most certainly do. I’m from the European Union Health and Safety Inspectorate.”
The Interrogator “The what?”
The EU Inspector “The European Union Health and Safety Inspectorate. Under new legislation from Brussels I have to ensure your interrogation technique complies with European Union Health and Safety regulations.”
The Interrogator “But we’re interrogating a terrorist suspect.”
The EU Inspector “Yes I’m perfectly aware of that, but he has his rights you know.”
The Assistant in an aside “Here we go.”
The EU Inspector “Will you be using physical persuasion?”
The Interrogator “Eh?”
The Assistant “She means torture guv.”
The Interrogator “I hope so, er, I mean maybe, if I feel it’s necessary.”
The EU Inspector “I’m sorry but ‘torture’ is word that is definitely frowned upon.”
The Interrogator “Well you might have to do quite a bit of frowning then, as we might be using some ‘physical persuasion’. He looks at Big Al, “Unless matey boy here talks.”
The EU Inspector “Are you qualified?”
The Interrogator “What?”
The EU Inspector “Are you fully qualified under European Union Health and Safety interrogation technique regulations?”
The Interrogator “What, qualified to torture someone?”
The Assistant “Er, physically persuade guv.”
The Interrogator “OK, to physically persuade someone.”
The EU Inspector “Oh yes, we can’t have unqualified physical persuaders can we? Someone might get hurt you know.”
The interrogator looks incredulous.
The EU Inspector “So, have you had the approved training?”
The Interrogator “What approved training? I’m a torturer!”
The EU Inspector raised an eyebrow.
The Assistant coughs “Physical persuader guv.”
The EU Inspector “I need to know if you have had the approved training. It’s just that,” she looks around the room, “I can’t see any certificates displayed on the walls.”
The Interrogator, sarcastically, “What certificates? First Aid?”
The EU Inspector “Well yes, that for one, but also your CORGI certificates.”
The Interrogator “CORGI? I don’t use gas.”
The EU Inspector
“Certificate of Regulated Government Interrogators.”
The Interrogator “Well then ‘no’, I haven’t got a certificate, but I have got a lot of experience in this line of work.”
The EU Inspector “Well I’m afraid experience isn’t really relevant in today’s world of work.” She looks at the Assistant, “And what about you young man?”
The Assistant “Er, I’m his apprentice.”
The Interrogator “Yeah, he’s on a Job Creation Scheme.”
The EU Inspector “Really?” She looks suspiciously at the Assistant. Then she looks distastefully at the torture implements on the table and picks up a sharp tool. “And what are these?”
The Interrogator “The tools of my trade.”
The EU Inspector “Well, these just won’t
do.”
The Interrogator “And why not?”
The EU Inspector “Well look at them. Too many exposed sharp edges, these could cause serious injury you know. Unless you wrap them in foam I’ll have to confiscate them.”
The Interrogator “I can’t believe this.”
The EU Inspector turns to Big Al, “Now young man, tell me, have you been subject to Extraordinary Rendition?”
Big Al “I don’t even know what ordinary rendition is.”
The EU Inspector “Were you dressed in an orange jump suit and chained up.”
Big Al “Oh that, I thought that was the police chief getting a bit kinky.”
The EU Inspector “Hmm, I’ll have to look into that.” To the Interrogator, “Very well, things seem to be a bit lax around here, nevertheless proceed with your questioning.”
The Interrogator “Thank you.”
The Interrogator shines the spotlight on Big Al, rolls up his sleeves, flexes his muscles, picks up a tool, leans over Big Al and says menacingly, “Right then you slag, we’re going to have a little chat.”
The EU Inspector “Hold on, hold on, that just won’t do.”
The Interrogator leans back “What now?”
The EU Inspector “You are using intimidation.”
The Interrogator “Ah, but it’s not
torture.”
The EU Inspector “No, but he has a right to go about his business without the
threat of intimidation.”
The Assistant in an aside, “And we don’t?”
The Interrogator “Listen Lady EU, his ‘business’ is that this afternoon he was going to blow up the Runcorn-Widnes bridge, and not to make way for the new one either.”
The EU Inspector “Now, now, that’s not been proved has it?”
The Interrogator to The EU Inspector “OK.” He puts down the tool and looks back at Big Al. He says “Right then you ...”
The Interrogator looks up at The EU Inspector who is watching him, then looks back at Big Al, and says “ .. you young scallywag.”
The EU Inspector nods approval.
Tamely the Interrogator asks some questions.
“Were you on the bridge today?”
Big Al “No.”
The Interrogator “Did you plant the bomb?”
Big Al “No.”
The Interrogator
“Why were you hiding in the back seat of your car.”
Big Al
sarcastically “I was looking for my copy of the EU Constitution.”
The Interrogator nods to the Assistant who clenches a fist and leans over Big Al menacingly.
The EU Inspector clears her throat. “Er, no menaces please.”
The Interrogator shakes his head and stands up quickly. “Oh this is ridiculous.” To the Assistant he says “Come on.” They start to leave.
The EU Inspector “Wait a moment. Where do you think you are going?”
The Interrogator “To see an employment lawyer about harassment in the workplace.”
They storm out.
The EU Inspector watches after them for a moment then turns to Big Al “Well then young man, it seems you’re free to go.”
Big Al “Oh, thanks lady.” He stands up.
The EU Inspector says smugly “Just doing my job, protecting the public.”
Big Al laughs, “Yeah right.”
The EU Inspector “What will you do now?”
Big Al “Dunno, I can’t go back to my employer, not now I’ve been with the police.” He looks down, realising maybe he shouldn’t have said that. He looks up and says, “So you might say I’m unemployed.”
The EU Inspector, “Well come along I’ll escort you out. This is a dangerous place for you to be in.”
They head for the exit.
Just before they leave she turns to him and says, “You know, if you are out of work I could probably get you a job in airport security.”
Big Al nods agreeably. “Sounds good.”
They leave.
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